I was fourteen or fifteen years old when a doctor recommended that I go to rehab. Back then I had only ever really heard of that for junkies or for old people who lived in parks. I thought that you got locked in a room until you ‘dried out’. I was in my mid teens and that to me was ridiculous. Yes, I had a drinking problem but I didn’t drink every day (even if I did think about it). I was seventeen when I realised that I was an alcoholic but in my mind my drinking was still normal and my life was manageable (no it wasn’t).
I think about openness as almost like a prerequisite of a transformation. Like when you study, some courses just aren't available to you unless you've done a course that's a prerequisite, or you're at a certain level. Openness is kind of like that, in that in order to cultivate transformational personal growth, you really need to be open. If you have a closed mind you might overlook something that is entirely necessary for your next step in transforming your life.
I think from memory it started with me getting tired. Tired isn’t as easy to remember as the pain and once the pain started pain and tired went hand in hand. I can push past tired. I can push past some levels of pain and I certainly did that. However eventually, working together persistently and over time, the pain and tiredness rendered me useless…
The fact is, that even as a child, I was obsessed with boys. I wanted so desperately to be liked that I would do almost anything to get attention and it certainly didn't get better with hormones. Good God, add hormones to a lack of self esteem and a desperate need for attention and love and it’s like the emotional version of an apocalypse.
Do you find yourself constantly talking about the things that outrage you? Repeating the same story five times to different people, rehashing the drama that’s gotten under your skin, feeding off the outrage that you have inspired in your friends and family? You may just be feeding the beast - an anger addiction.