You Don't Want To
You Don’t Want To
Never ever fall in love with potential.
It’s taken me so long to figure out that just because a man has the potential to be a great man it does not mean he is or will ever be a great man. We are who we are and without the internal drive to be better, to do better, to learn and grow, then we simply won’t. In my experience there are a lot of people who don’t want to do the work. We all want better lives but a lot of the time it’s wrapped up in the thinking that if we have a better job, or a better house, or if people just did what was expected of them then we wouldn’t be so frustrated - all of the external things. In recovery I’ve learnt that the only thing we really have any control over is ourselves and our own reactions to things. We like to buy into the illusion of control, but that’s all it is - illusion. We don’t get to make other peoples choices for them. That’s why it’s important that we choose the right people to have in our life. We can’t choose them and then hope they’ll be better.
We can only truly be happier, brighter, wiser and kinder people than we are by learning how to be happier, brighter, wiser and kinder people. The emphasis is on the learning. No external addition will change an internal character defect. If we are the kind of person that finds fault with things then no matter what happens in our life we will find fault. If we are the kind of person who is cruel and selfish then no matter who comes into our life or how much we love them we will still be the same cruel and selfish person again eventually. If we want the reward of a truly meaningful relationship then we have to do the work that creates one.
When I fell in love with Adam* (not his real name and for clarity for those who might get confused and/or upset this is definitely not about my ex husband or my sons father both of whom I have healthy respectful relationships with), I wasn’t blinded - I saw the faults. I saw the character defects that were giant red flags. His lack of empathy. His ability to lie straight to someone’s face. I saw those things and because I also saw the way he was with me I saw his potential. He could be kind. He could be thoughtful. Respectful. Loving. I watched his face change. I saw the vulnerability as he fell in love with me. It was mesmerising and I fell into the trap that so many women fall into and thought that with me he would be different. That over time, by spending time with me and learning the things that I have learnt over the years that he would naturally grow and become kinder to others, be less selfish, value honesty and integrity and have more empathy. I was wrong. So wrong. I’ve made this mistake more than once. I see potential in everyone and while that is a gift it’s also dangerous because potential is not proof of existence. All human beings have potential for greatness. Not all human beings will do the work to become great humans. Most will bury their head in the sand, numb their problems away instead of facing them, live lives of mediocrity and wish on their death beds that they had of done things different. It’s devastating but it’s truth. Most adults who don’t value progress will not progress so what you see will be what you get.
“You won’t try, you won’t fight, ‘cos you don’t want to… you don’t want to”... Most people don’t even believe that trying and fighting for better will even get them the result and thus they don’t want to try. They just don’t want to. For me watching Adam come to life in front of me was incredible. But that’s what new love does. The hormones. The chemicals. It changes us. It brings out the spring in our step. It opens us up to greater possibilities and we are more patient, more willing to step out of our norm and more willing to put the best part of us forward. We are filled with feel good chemicals so we naturally have more kindness, patience and a more loving nature. Especially in front of the person who is bringing that out in us. We are on our best behaviour. But then the chemicals start to wear off. This is where the work is meant to begin - this is where we are meant to step up and do what it takes to make things work. To actually begin to step into our potential. The right partner can be an incredible inspiration. Or, conversely, if we are unwilling to grow or to put the work in, that same partner can be the mirror we don’t want. A reminder that we are not measuring up. The highlights, the very character that we fell in love with can be the thing that makes us feel inferior and bring our resentment to the surface.
“If I didn’t see your face, on that February day, I’d wonder if you’d ever cared at all”… when Adam changed, or rather when Adam reverted back to his true colours it was a rude shock. He stopped caring. It was like a switch was flicked. I caught him out lying. He started being obnoxious and rude to my friends. It wasn’t long until the name calling started and when I would be upset he would stone wall me. Just completely shut me out and ignore me. I would want to work on things. I want to do the work. It’s how I operate. It’s broken? Let’s fix it. I want to make things better. I don’t want to stay angry or bitter or sad. I want and need peace in my relationships and I know from my own experience when you can really get to the core issue of something and come to a place of understanding you can work through most things. He didn’t want to do the work.
“You just walk away, cos you don’t want to change, your apathy keeps you comfortable”… it’s common. So common. Most people are afraid of change. Therapy. Really looking inside. I’d had practice. I take for granted that looking at my motives, examining my heart for where I am falling short of the mark, getting advice, reading books, learning, growing, all that is almost natural to me. It hasn’t always been, but after doing so much work on myself to get sober and stay sober, it’s become a daily ritual “where did I go wrong? What could I have done better? Have I hurt or offended someone? Do I need to apologise or do things differently?” That mindset is habitual now. It’s ingrained. It keeps me alive. It keeps me walking a path that I want to stay on. I’ve learnt that that is a growth mindset that isn’t common but one that is incredibly important to me.
Adam and I broke up. He left one morning and just never came back. There was a lot to all that, including finding out about the cheating and the lying and so many other things that I had overlooked or tried to convince myself I could handle or deal with if he just wanted to work through it. I’m a ridiculously loyal and committed person (but I am learning that I need to be loyal and committed to myself first so I don’t end up using all my energy on people who are bad for me).
At one point he wanted to get back together. By that stage I had gathered my brain back and wasn’t so high on pheromones. I knew that I could not watch someone I loved never do the work. I couldn’t watch someone literally waste their life in front of me and never even take a solid step in the direction of being a better human. I couldn’t watch him be cruel to others, or be rude, or nasty even if he was nice to me. I couldn’t watch that. I couldn’t fall in love with potential again. I saw what was there instead and it was not a man worthy of my love and trust. So this time I refused to give it.
Dating is scary sometimes. It’s so nice when you meet someone who has that light behind their eyes. The colour in their face. I love it when someone smiles at me and I know that I’m making them happy. That makes me happy. I have learnt though that discernment is a thing. Taking the time to evaluate actual real compatibility is important. Is this person kind? What do they care about? Who do they care about? What are their other relationships like? How do they get on with their exes? What kind of friends do they have? What is their interest in an actual healthy relationship? Are they willing to do the work when times get tough (times will always, inevitably get tough). Is this person worthy of my love and trust? Am I seeing the truth in front of me or am I seeing what I want to see. Can I love this man or will I always be wishing he was more like the man I know he could be?
Part of learning to lead a healthy happy life for me has been learning to let good people into my life and only good people into my life. I can be kind to everyone but not everyone belongs in my inner circle and I can avoid a whole bunch of hurt, disappointment and devastation purely by using a bit of discernment in the beginning because while we can’t control others we can control who we let into our hearts and lives.
“You Don’t Want To” is a song about the heartbreak of loving someone who won’t do the work with you. You can listen to it and read the full lyrics below.
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Lyrics:
If I didn’t see your face, on that February day
I’d wonder if you’d ever cared at all
And you just walk away, cos you don’t wanna change
Your apathy still keeps you comfortable
But I swear I saw a glimpse of a man that you could be
Swear I saw the colours light your face
But you don’t feel, like I feel cos you don’t want to
You don’t want to
And you won’t try, and you won’t fight,
Cos you don’t want to. You don’t want to.
You’ve convinced yourself, not to ask for help
Maybe you’re too scared of what you’d find
But somewhere deep inside, the part of you you pushed aside
Is waiting for the day you change your mind
But you don’t feel, like I feel cos you don’t want to
You don’t want to
And you won’t try, and you won’t fight,
Cos you don’t want to. You don’t want to.
And there’s nothing I can do or say
When you’re buying each excuse you make
But I can’t stand by and watch you go to waste
When you don’t feel, like I feel cos you don’t want to
You don’t want to
And you won’t try, and you won’t fight,
Cos you don’t want to. No. You don’t want to.