Song 3: Girl In The Glass

Click the audio player above to listen to Michelle talk about the story behind the song. Or read it below.

Girl In The Glass- The Story

I have struggled desperately with understanding myself, wrestling constantly with the gap between who I thought I should be and who I was. My inner critic was loud, probably mirroring all the voices that have told me throughout my life that I was too much, too loud, too quiet, too everything while simultaneously telling me that I wasn’t enough: I wasn’t good enough, popular enough, smart enough, and I certainly wasn’t diligent or organised enough. 

I got in trouble in primary school because I could never be on the same page as the rest of the class. Literally. Year 1, we were reading a book together. Everyone else was on page 3, or 4, or 7, or something. I was on page 47. Who got in trouble? Me. “Not concentrating hard enough.” Try bored out of my mind.

I often wonder if I would have been placed in a class for gifted kids if any teachers knew just how fast I could read and how extensive my comprehension skills were. I wonder if it was missed because I needed the right environment, or if some of my deficits in attention overshadowed my actual skill. “Michelle is easily distracted.” Yes, and children were annoying.

I was always so different to the other kids. I could see things they couldn’t see. I spoke differently. I had a vocabulary and thought process they didn’t have. Most of the time I would rather talk to adults. Well, not all adults, just the ones that spoke to me like I wasn’t an idiot.

But it meant I never fit in anywhere. I was bullied. I was left out. I felt like everyone had something I didn’t. Like a missing piece.

I clearly remember feeling like I was watching life happen through a massive glass pane, everyone else on one side of it, me just watching from the other side, alone. I even remember wishing that I could be as oblivious as the other kids. I could see there was some sort of value in their child-like nature, but I couldn't identify with it. My brain was just too loud, too analytical.

Even now, as an adult, my partner will tell me that he can just "switch off" and think about nothing. NOTHING?! Even when I'm trying to focus on just one thing, my brain is doing fifty other things. Even when my partner is stroking my back, and I'm trying to enjoy it, my brain is thinking about how my new dog is going to die one day, just like my old dog did.

I learnt, of course, to blend. As I’ve said before, I am a pattern person. I’m also a little bit of a chameleon. A sponge. So much so that I do it without my own consent. Like if I spend even a small amount of time with someone with an accent, I naturally pick up that accent. I can’t help it. Even when I try not to - I know that that can be offensive for some people. But my mouth just does it.

On the bright side, I’ve been able to sing some really incredible songs without learning how - because my body just does it. It kind of reminds me of a lyrebird. Apparently this is similar to vocal echolalia. The things you learn when you get diagnosed with autism.

The blending, though, extends to body language, pitch, volume, pace... the whole shebang. So it’s easy for me to get lost around strong personalities. It was easy for me to have no idea who I was and what was me versus what was just a bower bird collecting other people’s mannerisms and personalities like shiny things.

I made a lot of choices that weren’t in alignment with who I wanted to be. Just on autopilot. Trying to be everything to everyone else while losing touch with myself. Wanting to be everything to everyone, wanting to be worthy of love. Worth something. When inside, I felt worthless and useless.

It’s been my greatest challenge, learning to love the girl in the glass. And when I say that, I don’t mean a warm fuzzy feeling, though occasionally that is part of it - developing a sense of compassion and care for the woman I’ve become. But when I speak about learning to love myself, I am generally speaking of love as a verb. As something you do. As tangible actions that one takes to ensure they flourish and thrive.

I’m not great at it. I still have the same brain I started with: the brain that can’t distinguish the priority of things without serious effort. So I will still occasionally put myself and my needs last and run myself into the ground before realising what I have done.

But I’m getting better at it. At understanding my needs and making sure I meet them. At treating myself the way I would a small child I had to take care of. Like a plant I need to water every day.

Because something I’ve come to understand is that so many of us get stuck on this idea of being “worthy”. Worthy of the life we want. Worthy of love. Worthy of our own care and softness. Like worthiness is a prerequisite. Like we have to earn the right to take up space in our own life.

If you were a plant, you wouldn’t wait until you were flowering to give yourself water and sunlight. You wouldn’t say, “I’ll hydrate once I’ve blossomed.” No. Water and sunlight come first. Nourishment comes first.

We nurture ourselves before we become, so that we can become.

I had it the wrong way around for such a long time. A seed kept in its packet, without the right environment, light, soil, nutrients, or water - that’s never going to grow. But it’s not unworthy of the things it needs. It just needs them.

Like me, I need downtime, I need mindfulness, movement, connection, adequate hydration, nutrition, community, gentleness, compassion (the list goes on). If I deprive myself of those things, of course I am not going to grow into the person I want to become. If I ensure those needs are met, I am a thousand times more likely to thrive.

I may not see the fruits of that labour straight away either. Just like a growing plant, it takes time. But learning how to do that for myself is what I believe self-love is, and when we do it well, we are far more capable of being better humans, not just for ourselves but for our loved ones and families and communities. I take care of myself so that I can take care of others.

So the next time you’re wondering whether you should be kind to yourself, or accept help, or take the next step toward the life you actually want... think of yourself as a plant.

Ask: Will this nurture me? If the answer is yes, do it.

Not because you’ve proven you’re worthy. Not because you’ve checked every box. But because the more you nurture yourself, the more you grow into the person you want to become.

And even if you feel like a pile of dirt right now, remember - under all of that, there’s a seed just waiting for the right conditions to grow into something beautiful.

Live Performance of the Song

Listen & Download

Click the audio player above to listen to the song. Or click the download link to download it to your own device.

GIRL IN THE GLASS

I know it’s true; we ain’t always been friends 

I’ve shut you out, more than I’ve let you in 

I’ve put you down, when you’ve been the one

Who’s been through it all and you’re still showing up 

I’ve never seen, the truth looking back 

All that I saw was all that I lack 

I’ve put you last, neglected your needs

Cut you so bad, and left you to bleed 

It’s slowly sinking in, just what my mission is

And why I’ve been given this heart 

It’s learning to love the girl in the glass 

I used to see faults, all the defects in me 

Didn’t feel worth the air that I breathe 

Each forming line, each fading scar

Is proof that I’ve lived and there’s love in this heart

Memories I’ve made, the good and the bad 

Lessons I’ve learned and I’m lucky to have 

Starting to learn, to like what I see 

When I look in the mirror and you’re looking at me

It’s slowly sinking in, just what my mission is

And why I’ve been given this heart 

It’s learning to love the girl in the glass

It’s learning to love the girl in the glass 

It’s slowly sinking in, just what my mission is

And why I’ve been given this heart 

It’s learning to love the girl in the glass

It’s learning to love the girl in the glass

I’m learning to love the girl in the glass. 

WORDS & MUSIC MICHELLE CASHMAN