Day 4: Mad

I’ve had anxiety since I was a teenager and fibromyalgia for nearly a decade.  Mostly, I’m managing.  Mostly, I go through life taking great care of myself, ensuring that I take supplements that keep my micronutrients and minerals optimal, and trying to balance between enough exercise and not overdoing it.  It truly is a balancing act.  Too much activity can leave me in pain for days (kind of like when you go to the gym except it’s not just in the muscles it aches right through my bones like a bad flu and keeps me awake). Not enough is bad for my mental health and I get stiff and sore anyways. 

It’s a tough gig dealing with this stuff and I’d love to say that I am a ‘warrior’ and that its a war I’m always fighting and winning. Except I don’t always win.  I don’t always fight the good fight. Sometimes trying to be a musician, a songwriter, doing gigs, running my own business, doing all the behind the scenes stuff as well as run a household, be a mum, and have some form of life outside of work all catches up with me and hits me like a freight train.  Sometimes I get knocked down.  While I’m lying there on the floor it’s hard to not feel beaten. Sometimes that’s exactly how I feel.  Beaten.  This is a song about that.  

PS: Don’t worry, I never stay down for too long.  Even I’ve come to know that life really is a rollercoaster - you need to ride the lows just like you do the highs and keep hanging on.

The fibromyalgia and anxiety cycle.  It LITERALLY drives me mad. 

I’m one of those type A personalities. Driven. Go-getter. I used to be able to push past anything. Now, not so much. My brain would, but my body just won’t and this is my song about that struggle. 

No one knows what it’s like to have fibromyalgia really. No one.  Unless you actually have it it’s not something you can easily comprehend.  One minute you look fine.  Next minute, you still look fine; except you’re not fine and the fact that you still look fine means people don’t understand that you feel like your bones and joints are on fire and your brain literally refuses to work. If you know, you know. If you know, this song is for you.

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No longer read in this town 

Been feeling like I can’t go on any longer 

Got too much thought for progress 

Spend too much time inside my head to wanna here 

And it drives me mad And it drives me mad

It sends my mind into a frenzy, I’m frozen, apprehensive 

And I hate that I’m this way again 

And it drives me mad 

Feels like I’m sinking slowly

Each day it seems to somehow hurt a little deeper 

Get so frustrated with me 

Like I should know how to be better than this 

I’m better than this 

And it drives me mad And it drives me mad

It throws my mind into a frenzy, I’m frozen, apprehensive 

And I hate that I’m this way again 

And it drives me mad 

It drives me mad
It drives me mad
It drives me mad 

And each time I think I’ve got this figured 

Here hits another tidal wave 

I’m running out of steam… too tired be brave

When I’m really just afraid 

And it drives me mad And it drives me mad

It throws my mind into a frenzy, I’m frozen, apprehensive 

And I hate that I’m this way again 

And it drives me mad … it drives me mad.