Self-care when you don't know how to self-care well.
It’s easy for me to fall into the trap of running on empty. Life gets busy? The first thing to slide is anything remotely fun, relaxing or joyful. Family tragedy? I’m in fix-it mode - far too busy for trivial things like meditation or surfing. Feeling lost? Hopeless? Like the world’s biggest loser? How dare I do anything for myself? That voice in my head tells me I need to get busy hustling for my worth, proving myself to everyone on the planet that I’m a worthwhile human being. That means over-working, overthinking and over-achieving, running myself into the ground until everything comes crashing down.
It is a trap. We are not born into this - it’s conditioning. I’ve been conditioned to feel ‘less than’, and I’ve been conditioned to seek validation and approval outside of myself. I am so glad that I have been working on this. It doesn’t mean the trap doesn’t exist (oh it’s very much still there) but it means I am more capable of noticing when I’m getting hooked into it, and I have far more things in place that are part of my regular routine that stop me from being completely oblivious when it’s happening. I don’t have to get all the way to the terminal before I jump off that train.
Even simple things like a daily routine for my self-care have helped. Listening to something positive, uplifting or inspiring on my headphones before I get out of bed so I’m starting my day with the right headspace. A reminder that my life is being lived for me, not everyone else. That my self-care is my priority. More parts of the routine include showering and doing my facial care morning and night. I have serums and creams and whatever else I’m doing and it takes me a solid ten minutes without even putting makeup on but it’s not about what I’m putting on the face, it’s about the ritual. It’s about slowing down enough to look after myself instead of racing like a madwoman to get everything done. It forces me to slow down, and it reminds me that I am worthy of being looked after. These little things, scattered throughout the day are prompts to check in with myself and remember that my job is not to save the world or be the best employee or the golden child or the world’s greatest friend, my job is to save me.
My job is to prioritise my self-care. To nourish myself and get my needs met. To take care of my mental health so that I can enjoy myself. So I can lead by example because if we’re all taking good care of ourselves then life is so much easier and pleasurable.
Then it’s about creating moments of joy. Finding or making moments in a day to connect with nature or anything that brings me comfort, pleasure, serenity or joy. Because when life is difficult or when things haven’t turned out so well, it’s easy to stop looking for those. It’s easy to feel unworthy of sunshine and stay indoors. So I force myself to find beauty. Whether it’s sitting in the sand and staring at the ocean or lying on my back to watch the clouds, I need these moments to fill my tank.
The more I am going through, the more difficult an obstacle is the more I am compelled to avoid pleasure but the more important that pleasure is. Because if I am struggling or grieving, these moments are what build resilience in me. These moments are what give my brain chemicals other than stress chemicals and allow me to get myself in a rest and digest state so that I can actually still process my food and be nourished. These moments of joy are what break up the stressful periods and remind me why life is worth living. They keep me grounded and stable, or bring me back from the edge when I feel anything but.
I book myself in for a massage every week. I have fibromyalgia and when things are stressful or busy, my body holds so much tension I feel like I am one gigantic knot. The more I have on my plate the more critical it is for me to find things that slow me down and stop me from getting manic. A massage can be one of the only places where I feel allowed to slow down, relax my muscles and stop thinking for an hour. I’ve finally reached a point where my body starts to relax as soon as I walk into the building. The smell of the room is having an effect on my nervous system. As someone who’s trying so hard to retrain my nervous system this is an incredible achievement and it gives me a huge sense of accomplishment to know that I’m building routines that are retraining my brain to be a person who can actually relax. I’m also infinitely proud of myself for prioritizing something that used to induce guilt or shame that I was ‘wasting money’ on myself.
I am no longer giving myself shit for doing what I want to do. Whatever that thing is, if I want to do it, if I want to spend my money on something or if I want to spend my time doing it, I will. This is my life. I get to decide how I spend it. I choose to spend it on things that light me up and make me feel good because that’s how I am nurtured enough to be able to have enough in my tank to serve well.
Nourishing myself and actively building the life I enjoy also enables me to flourish. From that space I will achieve whatever I put my mind to (and that’s still generally being able to help others to do the exact same thing). I am leading by example because I truly want everyone I encounter to have the best life that they can. To feel joy as much as possible. To do what lights them up and to be nourished and loved so well that they have every chance of fulfilling their potential too.
I didn’t have an example of this growing up. I didn’t have a role model for good self-care. I grew up around people in addiction or with mental-health issues or people who martyred themselves and drove themselves into the ground trying to look after everyone but themselves (and hence more mental health issues). In breaking the cycle of generational trauma I’ve learned that to do that, those of us who don’t have those examples around us need examples and resources to learn the importance of it and the how to, which is why I’m sharing my stories. Because I know that there are people out there who might be like me, not having any clue how to get their needs met or fill their own tank or just how critical it is to learn to do this. Even a drop in the ocean can make ripples and learning our own self-care touches the lives of everyone around us.
I’m sending you so much love. What are you going to do today that’s going to fill your tank?
xoMC
PS… if you’re not great at thinking of things to do for self-care or you want some ideas to introduce into your daily, weekly or monthly routine - CLICK HERE.
Brought to you by patrons…
A heartfelt thank you to the amazing patrons who make this work possible. If you've found resonance in these words, consider joining our Patreon community. More songs & stories than you could poke a stick at plus facebook live sessions with yours truly. Together, we're rewriting our stories and shaping a brighter path. Join us on Patreon! Click the button below.