Sometimes I get so lonely that I feel like it's poisoning me. I feel like unless I get my sorry arse out of the house and into the world for some decent human connection I will waste away into nothingness. It reminds me of the Never Ending Story when the nothingness comes to destroy everything and what really happens is you just give up hope. I feel like I'm going to turn into that old turtle that just doesn't care because 'nothing really matters'.
I know that's not the truth and I know that a good dose of human contact is what I'm in need of. The problem is, I can't just have shallow, meaningless contact or it actually makes it worse. I struggle with surface chat. Conversation fluff. I struggle with people who don't get it. I struggle with people who go on and on about things that don't matter at all in the scheme of things (even though I am certain that on the odd occasion I actually am one of those people).
I blame this on my INFJ personality. I am smack bang in the middle of an extrovert and introvert. I can't stand too many people or conversation just to make noise, but I can't stand being alone for too long either. It's a delicate balance. One, that when tipped over can have some serious effects on my mental health. In a way I need to make sure that I schedule time with the people who really get me before I have isolated myself for too long. I don't think I've quite mastered that art.
I don't hate people. I love people. I think that is part of why I can't stand shallow, meaningless conversation - because I crave authentic connection with a person and with what really matters to that person. I want to know them deeply and be able to impact them on a level that's more than just "oh hey, I really love your shoes - how about this weather!?". I want to understand and be understood and for me sometimes that's the hardest part of all because I feel so 'terminally unique'.
Have you ever felt that? Like no one could really possibly get you because you listen to most people and you think 'I don't actually think anything like that - at all - ever'. That's me. I know there are some key people in my life that really get me on a deep and meaningful level and we are similar kinds of strange and I love that. But we are all so busy trying to save the world or ourselves that finding the time to connect and actually be face to face and have time to soak that up is next to impossible. First I have to make the time. Then they have to make the time. Then, if that's at all possible then those times have to actually align. Sometimes I feel like I'd have a better chance of winning the lottery.
Hey friends (you know who you are) - I miss you. I miss our chats. I miss coffees and cups of tea walks and talking about the shit that counts.