Confidence - 6 tips to getting a hold of it
Confidence is a slippery little sucker. It’s one of those things that has a chicken and egg type vibe to it. People with confidence DO things. Then, because they have experience, this experience gives them confidence… BUT how do you find confidence, or develop confidence when you don’t have it naturally, and how can you have it in an area that you have no experience in? Wow. I’ve cut myself off a large slice with this one. These are big questions and as per usual I will have to draw from my own experience to explain some of my answers.
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1. The first tip is based around something that I pick up on; there is a cycle that seems to happen for people who don’t have a lot of confidence (aka me a while back) - what would happen would be I would have an idea, or a goal that I wanted to achieve but I wasn’t very confident in achieving. So I either would just not attempt it (which ate at my self esteem) or I’d have a crack at it, and because I wasn’t confident, I’d try to attempt it alone and without the necessary experience to pull it off well and I would either succeed just by the skin of my teeth which would generally be followed by six months of emotional burn out (I kid you not sometimes it would literally take me that long to recover), OR I’d fail miserably and be kicking myself for all the ways I didn’t get it right (and also spend six to twelve months licking my wounds) and it would also add to the lack of confidence, and self doubt and reasons not to try. So the cycle would continue and it would take me ages to pluck up the courage to do something I hadn’t done before.
What I have learnt, over time, and with experience is this: If I have an idea that I want to achieve I don’t worry about whether or not I personally can achieve it or not. I just simply ask myself “can this be done?” or “is this humanly possible?” and if the answer is an easy yes then I move into the next phase “WHAT must be done?” and I break it down. I break it right down into little pieces and if I don’t personally know what those pieces are, I find someone who has done it before me and I ask them. I learn. I educate myself in that area before I make a haphazard attempt that will see me licking my wounds for half a year. I make sure that I am equipped and then if I don’t have the skills, or the time, or the know-how I find someone to partner with who knows about that particular area that I don’t. Then, once I have a clear path forward because I’m knowledgable about what needs to be done, I am confident that it’s possible, and that all those bite-sized bits are doable and therefore the whole thing can be achieved. THEN I break it down over a time line, into realistic deadlines and I give myself deadlines for when what needs to be done, and I do it. Learning how to do that was a huge learning curve for me and one i didn’t do without help.
The trick is, depending on what it is that you want to achieve, your approach will vary. But I guarantee almost anything you want to do has been done before and even if it hasn’t it’s still very possible.
So what do you want to do? What is holding you back? If it’s your lack of belief that you can do it - have a look at that. Ask… is it possible for a HUMAN to do this? Then, ask WHAT needs to be done to achieve this? Break it down, and if you don’t know how, do some research. Research someone who has done what you want to do. Find out what they did, and apply the same principles. OF course you’ll need to tweak it slightly for it to work for you personally as we’re all different but finding out how it’s been done before is a great starting point. Look for the information you need. Google is your friend! Then, like I said, break that thing down into bite size bits - bits that look EASY. THEN and ONLY then ask yourself “Can I do that?”. The answer, if you’ve broken it down small enough should always be yes, and even if it’s no, having a very clear expectation will be able to help you to delegate those small parts of the puzzle to a person who can. The trick is to set yourself up an achievable schedule and start chipping away at it. Keep a record of your progress. For me, I keep a journal and I have my overall long term goal at the top of every page, and I break it down into weeks, and then from my weekly goals I make my daily goals. Almost ANYTHING is achievable when you work at it from that perspective and believe me you can!
You don’t have to do these things alone either. That’s what life coaches are for! That’s what friends are for for that matter! Bounce your ideas around off other people - just make sure that those other people are not people who never achieve things because their lack of confidence will rub off on your idea. Find a doer who does things and bounce your idea of them. They will more than likely enthusiastically help you figure out how to do what you want to do.
The trick is don’t wait until you have confidence. Confidence doesn’t come before you do things. Confidence actually comes after you’ve done things a few times! Even when I’m trying something new I don’t have confidence - I have a bit of healthy fear! I take comfort in the fact that I am confident not in my own abilities but in the fact that in the end, things will work out just the way they should and even if I haven’t achieved what I set out to, I will have learnt exactly what I needed to in that moment and next time I will know more and do better. The more you do, the better you get, the better you get the more you do well and the more confidence you have. So if you are waiting for confidence before you do things… STOP IT!!! Don’t let that hold you back or you will NEVER get what you want. You regret the things you didn’t do wayyyy more than the things you did badly. Have a crack.
2. The second tip I have for creating and improving your confidence, is to surround yourself with likeminded people (by like minded I mean like minded with the person you WANT to be). If you are surrounded by people who don’t believe things are possible, then you will continue to have that belief system supported. If you’re surrounded by people who believe things are possible then your belief system will be challenged and eventually, you will shift into a similar mindset. We are incredibly influenced by those we allow into our world and into our hearts. I’m really careful with who I share my ideas with in their formative stages because ultimately if I don’t have a plan of attack, then I don’t necessarily know HOW I’m going to achieve things and with my goals (being as big as they usually are), if I haven’t got it clear then I can’t explain how it’s possible and so people can be “Yeah, ok, how are you going to do that?”, and if I don’t have an answer that can attack my confidence. But if I’m sharing my ideas with the people I know who know me and who know what I can do and what IS possible, then they’re way more likely to say things like “Wow! Awesome! That’s great! How can I help?? What do you need to do? Do you need me to do anything?” and not only does that impact my own sense of things being possible but it allows me to frame my ideas in a positive way BEFORE I start looking at the problems (giving me the momentum to keep going when there are problems).
3. The third tip - which is just like the first, but a little more simple, is rather than setting yourself huge goals, set yourself small ones. So, look at what you already do and what you are comfortable with, and add on those. Just build upon what you’re already comfortable with, stretch yourself slightly, and then next time stretch a bit further. That way, you’re able to succeed each time because it’s not too far off what you’re capable off and you’ll build your confidence by developing the ‘proof’ that you can achieve what you want to.
4. The fourth tip is learn to talk to yourself with love. Think about a baby learning to walk. It wouldn’t get too far if it’s biggest influence was saying “Yep, this isn’t really what you’re good at, you should stop just there. Look, I think crawling is more your thing”... but you know what we do that sort of thing to ourselves all the freaking time and it’s crazy! Imagine if we kept saying things like ‘You can do this! You’re capable! Just keep going! Whoops a daisy! That’s ok! Come on! Have another go!” - obviously we don’t need to be quite so motherly when we do it - but it’s important we don’t beat ourselves up when we stumble and that we keep talking to ourselves as if success is just around the corner - because it is!
5. The fifth tip is if there are some deep seated issues that you have surrounding your self esteem - if there are things that happened in your past that you know are sneaking into your present and robbing you of the freedom and joy you could be having if it wasn’t for that thing, or those circumstances from the past - then look into getting some therapy. If it was that easy to just get over something so difficult then nobody would be hurt. Nobody would be dealing with confidence issues or reliving their trauma. It’s not easy and that’s when seeing a professional will make you make the sorts of progress that you might not be able to do alone. Working with a good counsellor can really get through a lot of stuff and give you the freedom that you didn’t even know was possible. Believe me. I’ve been there. There’s no shame in doing whatever it takes to become the person you want to be and if that person is someone who is brave and bold and confident you do what it takes to get that and don’t let something in your past hold you back - find someone who can really help you break those chains and move into a new space.
6. The sixth tip. I love this one its’ one that I love to work with with my clients and it’s also one of the biggest influences in my own life… Know your purpose Have a long term vision. Know what you want, know why you want it and know how you’re going to get there. Know your purpose. If you don’t know how to figure that out, find a coach. That’s where coaching really comes into being valueable. At the moment I have a special on for the month of June - head to transformationalpersonalgrowth.com and hit the survey tab. Fill out that survey - it will help you to get a clear picture of where you are at, and ask you some questions to help you begin to paint the picture you want, but if you do that for me, I have 20 spots in June - 20 ½ hour discovery sessions with me via Skype where you and I can have a chat about what you want, about what your needs are, what your vision is, who you want to be and how I can help you create systems and goals to achieve that. So do that now while you have the chance, transformationalpersonalgrowth.com and the sooner you do the easier it will be for you to choose the time slot you want because once they’re gone they’re gone.
Also, I have some big news. Coming up very soon, we are starting a whole new podcast AND (wait for it) our first video series! I can’t wait. We will be launching Friday July 1st. That’s all I’m saying right now, but if you want to help us launch and make this huge make sure you head to the website and sign up for the mailing list because that’s the main way we will be letting everyone know what’s happening. It’s still a lot under wraps because there’s a bit more to do before we can go ahead but I am hoping that this will make a lot of our content more accessible to people who need it - because OF COURSE, it will all be 100% FREE. I have always wanted to make sure that people who can’t afford to buy a lot of things can still have access to high quality, informative, educational content - it’s my way of giving back, and sharing what I’ve learnt and hopefully ensuring that a lot of people don’t have to go through everything I went through to learn what I know. I am really really proud of this upcoming project and I hope you will be too. Send me an email if you’d be happy to help me to spread the word in the lead up to launch day, and I’ll let you know exactly what’s going on, what we are going to do and how it’s going to work. Email email@example.com
Thanks so much for your time today, don't forget to leave a comment below and share with us why you want more confidence. Then tell us what you’re going to do about it! This might just help the next person looking for inspiration too!
Have an awesome week you super awesome people and I will see you next episode! !