It has only recently dawned on me, that there has been something holding me back. A real underlying fear for me. Underneath the surface, hidden from my own conscious awareness, has been this fear that I am not good enough to achieve my dreams.. Don’t get me wrong, the fear that I am not good enough in general has long been stamped out by years of telling myself differently but this is different. This fear is subtle, and I suspect it has been holding me back for years. I’m not even sure its as obvious as “ I don’t think I’m not good enough to achieve my dreams”. The fear is even more subtle than that. And it’s all the more dangerous because of it’s ability to paralyse me from moving forward, a day, a week, a month until it adds up to years at a time. The fear is; I’m not good enough YET. I’m not good enough to put it out there and own it. You see my dreams, the things I want to achieve with my life, represent my desire to help others, to bring light into the world and help people discover and overcome some of their own hurdles. But somewhere in amongst my thought processes, I have been sabotaging myself when it comes to achieving them. I keep putting things off. Waiting for something. You see, I have this thought that I must have to be perfect before I can help anyone else. That I have to have all my crap together, be all sorted out, never have a bad day, never struggle with anything and basically be perfect before I can be of any use to anyone.
What a load of crap. Seriously? When I think about who I would want to take advice from, would I want to take advice from someone so perfect that they never mess anything up? Really? No. I would be intimidated by someone like that, I would probably also think that they were full of shit. Because ultimately I am aware that this life thing we do… It’s a journey not a destination. We don’t arrive at perfection while we are still breathing. We can improve, and we can learn and grow, but as I have learnt, the more we learn, the more there is to learn.
I’m not getting out there in front of people claiming I’ve got it covered – I don’t. Not even close. I am well and truly a work in progress. But I have learnt a lot of stuff through the years of trudging through my own mental crap. I have learnt so much, forgotten it, and had to learn it again. I’m still learning. But it makes a lot of sense to me that I should share what I have learnt because when I look back at a younger version of myself I think “Geeze. I wish someone had of spelt that out for me. I wish I didn’t have to learn that one the hard way”.
But, unless you know where to look, access to that sort of information isn’t that easy to find. There’s a whole heap of stuff about how to be successful and how to be a millionaire, but what if all you really want to know is how the hell to get off your own back and stop pissing your life up the wall? What if you just want to know why boys want to sleep with you and will give you all the attention in the world, but don’t want to actually go out with you and introduce you to their mothers? What if you just want to know how to get someone to love the real you – and how to even know who that is? What if you just want to know how to stop hating yourself for everything you have done wrong?
See, I know some of that stuff, because that’s where I started from. The bottom. I’m not going to get out there and teach people the stuff I don’t know. But I am going to share the stuff I do know – even if I’m still working on it.