Why do we abandon ourselves for love?
I grew up thinking that in order to be loved, be loveable or worthy of love I had to hustle. For positive connection I needed to fix everything first. I couldn't rock the boat. That never ended well. I had to measure up, do what made everyone else happy and fix all the problems. Then maybe there’d be peace. Maybe there’d be happiness. It didn’t work - so I’m entirely unsure how that mentality made it into my adult life.
Over the past year I’ve been learning to detach with love. To love people as they are, where they are at, without fixing anything. I’ve only been able to do that because my focus has been on getting my own self right. I was so broken. So empty, alone, afraid, devastated and empty on the inside. I can’t blame anyone else for that; I abandoned myself.
I had put everything and everyone else first. I had made other people’s problems my own, over extended myself, taken on too much, bought into too much drama and completely ignored and neglected my own needs and dreams and desires.
Why do we do that? I had in my head I needed to be a ‘good wife’. That to do that I must figure out the mould of what a good wife is and jam myself into it so hard that never mind if I lost a few limbs trying to fit in the box. It had nothing to do with what my husband wanted from me. It was all about my pre-conceived notion that love is giving up yourself. Love is sacrificial. Love is all consuming. Love is fixing everything for the other person No. No it’s not. That’s not love. That’s control. That actually stems from the insecurity bred into me as a child: I must fix things to be worthy of love. Thus no-one around me can be broken or it means that I am not ok either. Ouch.
In order to love, I have discovered, one must have love to give. In order to shine light in the darkness one must be shining their own light. For me to shine my light, I need to give myself the fuel and allow myself the space to do the things that bring me joy. Slowly but surely I have remembered what they are.
I’ve been investing in myself. Re-discovering the things that fill me up. Moving my body. Surfing. Swimming. Playing sport. I moved home. I need to be near the coast just like any other creature that thrives in that habitat. It’s where I belong. It’s where I thrive. Sunshine. Ocean. The smell of salt. These are things that bring me joy. These are the things fuel my sense of inner peace. Music of course goes without even saying but the environment I’m in has been a huge factor in getting well. With music, the more I write the less knots exist on the inside. It’s so hard to believe that a year ago I wouldn't give myself time to play or write because it wasn’t a direct service to someone else. Insert eye roll here.
Believe me when I say that filling your tank and doing what brings you joy is a service to others. It’s not our job to fill everyone else tank at the expense of filling our own. It’s our job to ensure we fill our own tank first. When my tank is full I shine so bright. My smile is huge. My heart is full. I am able to love with joyful abandon. I am able to see someone’s pain and hold space for it without thinking that there pain is my pain, or that their unhappiness is my fault or my responsibility. It helps me to trust someone to take care of themselves and do what is right for them - which creates the space for them to do just that. When I have joy, I have so much more to offer. My attitude is healthier. I don’t carry negativity. I don’t bitch, whine, whinge or moan. I overflow with love, kindness and gratitude and it’s contagious. At the very least giving yourself permission to do what is good for you might inspire those around you to do what is good for them.
We all deserve that. We all deserve to be looked after and loved and treasured. The trick is that we have to look after, love and treasure ourselves first. From that space, the love that we can give and receive is not insecure or ‘striving’, it’s generous, abundant and magnificent - regardless of who or what is on the receiving end of it - it is coming from the inside out.
If this topic is something that really resonates with you, you might enjoy my course ‘Seven Steps to Self-Love’. The course waitlist is open now. You can access it HERE.